(This is Flemish artist Quentin Matsys’s painting, The Ugly Dutchess, painted in 1513.  I found her to be a dead ringer for Hagseed.)

On the day after Trump was elected, I wrote my first Hagseed poem, “Miss U.S.A.,” trying to wrap my head around a populace that would elect such an embarrassment to the highest position in the land.  The poem was published in Rock & Sling’s election issue.  I found the character of Hagseed to be a great vehicle through which to channel my political angst, so I wrote a second poem featuring her, satirizing the American obsession with fame, called “Hagseed Takes Manhattan.”  This was published in Quail Bell. Now I have at least a dozen of these poems, which I am collecting into a book called, The Hagseed Miracles: Turning Wine to Water and Other Acts of Uninspired Mediocrity: AKA, A Dangerous Woman Says Her Piece.  I find writing these poems satirizing all of the worst aspects of American culture and politics to be very therapeutic, better than ranting on Facebook anyway.




Oh, mud eyed maven

of mediocrity,

generously bejoweled queen

of bland, off-brand visions

and obscene dry-as-the-desert dreams,

you peddle dazzleless canned shams,

spam badly disguised as sagacity,

with a side of sizzling

Stockholm Syndrome

not so convincingly

dressed up as love.


And behold

at the tender age of 666

having taken the hollow road and

hijacked a movement,

Hagseed attempts a Tonya-Harding

hamstrings her competition.

At last, she brings to fruition

her lifelong ambition

of becoming a shot girl.

(In her defense, she’s making strides.

Our machine gun bride’s

biggest accomplishment

was poking a hole in a condom

before today.)


Watch her twirl and sashay!

Who cares if her tray is made

from the shoulder blades

of genocide victims

and slaves?

Arsenic, anyone?

Fun, fun, fun!

She doles out ammo and guns

to minors,

struts her ghastly stuff

in trailer trash cutoffs

and lip balm born of blood.


God bless the NRA!


Much unbeloved living proof

of the old adage,

“You can bedazzle a latrine,

but it still smells like shit,”

they should bottle you

as a cure

for sex addiction.

Like all villains

you have one fatal flaw

Yours is this:

You are too stupid

to know

you’re stupid.


#Hagseed #ivesaidmypiece #dangerouswoman #impeachtrump #lowestcommondenominatorwontwin #notonmywatch

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