I spend a great deal of time in meditation because I love it. When it is warm out, I sit under the stars for hours, listening to what they have to say.  Often, I wake up in the early mornings while it is still dark and sink into the bliss of meditation.  I know meditation is supposed to be quiet, and sometimes it is, but sometimes, thoughts come to me, and whether this makes me a bad meditator or not, I am a writer in my heart of hearts, so I stop to write them down.  These came this morning at first light.  (I am always writing the words for me, as they seem to be coming from a higher place, the smartest place inside me, and I figure I should hear what that chick has to say.  Some days, I think maybe the words I have scribbled will have value for others too. If they don’t, or if I sound preachy, I apologize. I’m preaching to myself, not you.  I’m thinking of collecting these scribblings into a book because I have lots of them, but who knows? Right now, they are just me talking to me.)


People leave and die. The most important relationship you will ever have is with you, because you are the only person who is guaranteed to be with you for the rest of your life. Don’t give the keys to your self-esteem to anyone else.  You have always wanted to feel loved.  Your feelings arise from inside of you, not outside.  Let knowledge of your own belovedness rise within your consciousness without permission from others.  Talk to yourself kindly, even if no one else ever has or does.  You are the one whose voice matters to you the most.  You are the DJ in your own head.  Don’t give airtime to voices that hate you.

Be suspicious of social groupings that are stratified (and that means almost all social groupings). If the group has been divided, explicitly or implicitly, into an in-crowd and lesser members, and if everyone is grasping to be part of the in-crowd, the whole shebang is bound to be bullshit, whether it’s a church or a workplace community or a badminton team.  Be especially suspicious if you are in the in-crowd.  There is nothing so capricious and cruel as an in-crowd.  People who need to be in the in-crowd will do whatever they have to do to stay there, and when it comes time to throw you under the bus, they will.  Today’s sycophants are tomorrow’s slanderers.

Don’t buy into the buzz of the moments you are popular, because popularity is cheap and can turn to hatred in a heartbeat. If you realize the popularity isn’t real, you will realize the hatred isn’t real when the wind changes.

Be alone without letting socially constructed imperatives for coupling or community force you to define yourself as lonely.  You are never truly lonely.  The magnificent dance of life swirls all around you, and you are part of it, whether you see it or not.  But you are happier when you choose to see it.  You can feel more love all alone on a windless night staring up at the moon, allowing yourself to be exactly what you are, knowing you are part of the intricate, infinite, exquisite dance of creation, than you feel in a room packed full of people who are pretending to be something they aren’t, grasping for love that is already inside them.

Cherish love.  Don’t throw it around like it’s cheap, because it’s not.  This world teaches us all to fake everything, so much of what human beings do is playacting.  We say we are happy when we are heartbroken. We say we are fine when we are angry.  We say we love when we hate.  Someday, when we have all burned away our bullshit and come to know our true selves, the love we give will be as honest and unpretentious as the love given to us by golden retrievers and kittens and toddlers.  But until we are done lying, pure love (between humans) is hard to come by for everyone, even the ones you view as impeccably beautiful and talented and brilliant and lucky.  Those people get more than their fair share of sycophants, who are their own kind of poison, but they don’t get real love any more than anyone else.

Love is the best, most expensive treasure the universe has to offer.  Don’t try to pin a love label on relationships that aren’t founded in purity.  So many of the relationships we establish in this world have to do with things like convenience and desperation and emptiness.  If you like, have the fun drinks with casual friends, but don’t bet the proverbial farm on those friendships. When casual connections fail you, don’t blame it on yourself, or on the other halves of those relationships.  Those relationships were never going to last, and it has nothing to do with anyone’s innate worth.  It has to do with the rare beauty of love.  Sometimes, fake relationships exist to teach you to cherish the real ones.  Sometimes, fake relationships exist to teach you that you can stand alone, that you could always stand alone.

Most of what people do in this world has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you.  Their responses to you are based on their own psychological makeup, history, needs, desires, and fears. Own and deal with your own baggage (this will take a lifetime), but don’t pick up theirs just because they try to project it on you. Remember these words: “I know who I am.” Every time someone lies about you, repeat them.

Don’t bother to counteract lies that are told about you unless your soul screams that you must, for the sake of truth. If you do speak out, know that even when you speak truth, people believe what they want to believe, and it has nothing to do with you. If you decide to know who you are without needing other people to confirm your identity, you don’t need to explain yourself to them when they get you wrong.

Walk away from cruelty, dishonesty, sycophancy, game playing. Trust that lies are fragile things.  No matter how many people repeat a lie, or how often, it is made of the stuff of spider webs.  It is tattered and rattling in the wind, waiting to be ripped away by the hurricane of truth.

The universe has a way of stripping away layers of bullshit over time, revealing what was always there.  By the time it does, you don’t usually care much if the truth is revealed or not, because you have moved on, which means you have spent the years you could have spent in agony–being angry, weeping, defending yourself–living and loving your one precious life.

The only true currency you own is the seconds of your precious life. That currency is limited and quickly spent. Do you really want to spend it on the people who hate you? Give it all, every moment, to the ones you truly love, the things you truly love, including yourself.

No matter what anyone says or does, always keep yourself on the list of things you love.  Self-loathing is overrated.

When you choose to believe you are loved, you win, no matter who does or doesn’t notice.

me at my birthday

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